Zelgadis Speaks
by Lasafara
Summary: This is an angst fic about Zel angsting. Angst Zel, angst!!


Okay, my first fic up. Don't flame me too badly, please? I'll Dragon Slave you.

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Well, technically, Ume is my own creation, and I love her to death. So, no flaming her, cuz she is rather violent.

Zelgadis Speaks

By Lasafara Fett

            I looked down at my deformed, hideous hands. It's funny how none of my companions seem to notice anymore, but I do. It's been a long time, almost 8 years now that I've been this way.  This freakish, halfbreed way. No, no, I'm not even a half-breed. How could I be considered that, when I'm not half of anything?

Life is unfair, you know. I know that. I wished to be powerful, to be strong, to be free of the insults, the degradation…Look where that got me. I'm a chimera, created by my own family! My own grandfather, the Red Priest. The good, kind Red Priest, known for traveling the country and healing the sick, the deaf, the blind. Did he think to play a joke?! 

            This body has gotten me nowhere. I can't show my face in public, for fear of being chased out of town. I'm sick of it. The only people who accept me are my own companions. But they left me a long time ago. Or maybe I left them. It's hard to tell, you know. I have to find my cure, and they seemed willing enough at first, but it's not _their_ quest. It never was. I couldn't expect them to want to hang around. 

            Even Amelia left me. After the incident with the octopi, I suppose that she got tired of hanging around me. It's good for her. She really adores me, I can tell, but it's not healthy. I mean, honestly, what could I ever offer her? I don't even know that we could, well…you know. And her kingdom would be in an uproar if I were to marry her. I mean, really, what would the citizens think of having a chimera with 1/3 demon in him?

            I'd never forgive myself if I hurt her. She's such a sweet child. So bright, it's refreshing to be around someone so…happy. I know, I know, it hurts her when I don't show her any kind of affection, when I avoid her. But, wouldn't it hurt her more to tell her, then to refuse to act on those feelings? I am not even sure that I, well, feel about her the way she feels about me. And besides, after a while of waiting, she'll find someone new. She won't wait around forever, and though it hurts me to see her hope for me, I know in the end this is what is best. 

            I used to think I was in love with Lina, you know. So fiery, and so intelligent. She was fun to be around. I suppose that, had I stayed with her after I left Rezo, maybe something more might have come of it. As it is, I know how she feels about Gourry, and I would never in my life break those two up. I lost her when I decided to go off on my own. 

I suppose it's for the best. I'm meant to be alone. Can you imagine what my children would look like? I don't know that this is genetic, but if it is, I could just pass the curse to my children. I would never wish this on anyone, let alone someone I cared for. 

Of course, you've never been chased out of town because you look like a demon. No one could ever really understand. I mean, honestly, I've lost count of the times I've made women and small children scream because I removed my facemask to eat. I find comfort with other, well, nonhumans, but I'm not really one of them either. They can understand being chased out of town, being an outcast, but they usually still have a place to go, someplace where there are others like them. I have no one.

Going back to Seyruun is out of the question. I…don't know. I don't know how she'd react to me, how I'd talk to her, what I'd say.  Xellos and his spawn, Ume, love to torment me about her. What would I do if I found my cure and she had found someone else? I don't know. What would I do if she died? I'd seek revenge. What if, what would happen, what would I do? I don't know. Do I love her? I don't know.

In all my searching, I haven't come up with anything that could cure me. I'm beginning to think that maybe it died with Rezo. Maybe there's another Kopii out there, but I'm not sure I really want to find him. How do you go about asking a Kopii for the original's information? What do you say? 'Hello, I was wondering if you could change me into a human?' That seems a little far-fetched.

Besides, the last Kopii was so eccentric, so evil. I wouldn't want to unleash that onto the world again. Lina has enough trouble with the last two. So many died, so many innocents. I refuse to do that.

Lina was so amazing back then. Not that she isn't amazing now. Amelia may have the better figure—excuse me, a figure _period_—but she's so naïve. It's like she has blinders on. She doesn't see so much of the world. Lina is so much more worldly. Her conversations and thoughts are intelligent and meaningful, when she's not explaining something to Gourry.

I can't help but want to protect Amelia. She's so very innocent. So very very innocent. Of course, there is that part of me that wishes to take her innocence. Why should she, why should _anyone_ have their innocence when mine was stolen?

Though my body may not be fully human, my mind and emotions certainly are. In that regard, I am a typical human male. Amelia does seem to occupy a great deal of my dreams, and not all of them would make her happy with me. In fact, I think some of them might earn me a Pacifist Crush. But you have to admit, she'd look _good_ in skintight black leather…She'd look even better in it while sitting on my lap…I think I need a cold shower. Anyway…

It's not like I can act on those emotions. No matter what Amelia believes, justice does not conquer all, and my curse could, well…hurt her if we got close. I can't do that to her. I won't. 

Of course, Xellos has offered to 'ease my sexual tension' as he puts it. Hell, no. That damned mazoku will never leave me alone, and now he's teaching his spawn to provoke me too. I think what annoys me the most is that he knows just how to make me feel whatever he is hungry for. _Damn_ him!

I am not mazoku training grounds, nor am I mazoku bait. Damn it, I try so hard to project the image of a cold-hearted sorcerer! You know, someone who has no emotions, who does what they feel regardless of what the consequences are. Not that Lina ever helped that image. In fact, the only times I ever successfully lived up to that image was when I wasn't with her. Of course, had I not been with her, I don't think any of us could have survived. I mean, honestly, someone had to distract the bad guys while she chanted those oh so long spells. 

But really, did she _have_ to treat us all so poorly? And Amelia was no help in that matter! She just encouraged it. Really, using me as an _anchor_? That was just wrong. I may not be human anymore, but I still deserve more respect than that! My life is not a living mockery! I'm a cold-hearted sorcerer! I cast spells! I act all evil! I am _not_ something to be used! I'm not a convenience item! An anchor!! 

I have enjoyed my time with her. There is just something about her that attracts me. I can't help it. It's not really her beauty. I mean, she is beautiful, in a flat, little girl sort of way. But it's not that. It's her personality, her charisma. Her fiery temper, the way she looks when she's angry, when she's sad, when she's happy. The way she knows just how to make me do what she wants. Very few other women can do that. Though recently I have learned ways to make her angry without her attacking me. That is rather fun, actually. 

Only Amelia can make me do her bidding, other than Lina. But, you know, I think that Amelia's main threat is that Lina will hurt me otherwise. Of course, Amelia was the one who got me into drag. I can't believe I went along with that scheme. It was so ridiculous, and it got us nowhere. And the girl I met there that I so empathized with ended up being a guy!

Amelia just basically pulled my clothing off in that case. She just took them, and handed me a dress. I had no choice. I wouldn't hurt her, not if I could help it, and I could tell that she wasn't giving up my clothing without a fight. Besides, she can do a fireball just as well as Lina, and her other hand had one prepared. It's not fair. A cold-hearted sorcerer should not have to worry about psychotic women trying to kill him.  
            Honestly, you'd think that this hideous body would scare all these people away! But no, Amelia has a crush on me. Even with this body. And she wants me to be her husband, I can tell. But how can I? I'm part demon. Part evil. What is she going to do? Kindly explain to the populace of Seyruun that I'm not harmful? Now that I think about it, she probably would. And they'd believe her. That, I think, is very sad. 

That city needs help. Not from me, L-sama no, but definitely. They are just so naïve about everything. Although I would never suggest that to Prince Phil. I do _not_ need a Pacifist Crush coming down on my head. I just can't understand how those people can live in such an awful world and be so naïve as to think that everything is good. I really can't.

Well, I've rested here long enough. I can't stay much longer. I can't risk being run out of town again. As long as I'm quiet, I should be able to get out to that abandoned temple and search it before I leave. Otherwise, I'll probably just have to blow some stuff up. That will be fun too. Ah well. 

Xellos looked down at the journal he'd 'borrowed' from Zelgadis. "Yare, yare. Even in his notes he angsts nonstop!"


End file.
